Some notes on last night's show in Cleveland:
The combination of a Chapman Stick and a kilt is strangely erotic.
Trey needs to not be afraid of the light and float in it. He has great presence.
It only takes 2 minutes for an audience to throw up an inpenetrable wall.
Some people don't notice that the energy has been sucked out of the room.
I wish I could see Robert's hands but he's 1) turned sideways and 2) in the dark.
Pat Mastelotto has the prettiest smile.
Adrian Belew has amazing intestinal fortitude. He recovered from what I understand to be a deep crisis in the middle of a song in the space of about 15 seconds.
The ukelele is a serious musical instrument.

Spent today shopping for strings. Found a basket full of generic picks with large triangle picks in different colors. I am not sure of the composition, probably plastic, but I like them. I bought different thicknesses (the different colors) and cut some down to size. I like making picks. It is relaxing for me. Restrung the guitar.

Went to client Mike's house for dinner with his wife Meghan and two kids. I played guitar for them at their request and I brought the baby Taylor so their little boy could look at it. I showed him how to hold it and pluck the strings. Photos were taken. Good dinner, nice people. I brought them a copy of Yamanashi Blues.

Finally, I am somewhat embarrassed to note that I bought my very first Velvet Underground album today.

Teaching this week. This will wear me out. I like teaching and I hate it. I don't know. But it wears me out. This fear of teaching is what led Dr. Sermas to diagnose me with social anxiety disorder.

Email from Joe informs me that he can't accompany me to the Boston show. I guess I am on my own. Oh well. Who else do I know in Boston? Joe wants to get vision implants. I don't know if this is good for him. But he wants to see so who can fault him for that? He was going to be an astronomer for chrissake.

Talked to Steve today about singing. He says he will teach me to sing and play the guitar. I replied that I cannot even tap my foot and play the guitar at the same time. This should be interesting.

I think that you can carry off bizarre hair if you don't really care what it looks like. And I don't.

Later, talking to Pat, he said that Adrian looked out and saw nothing but black. He felt a panic attack coming on. This is what is so amazing to me. I've had panic attacks before. To gather yourself and go on, in front of thousands of people, what an amazing person Adrian is. Adrian asked for lights to be put on the audience because he felt like he was singing to a bunch of exit signs. How did he do this? How do you stop a panic attack?

Blah day today. I want this week to end and my vacation to begin. I want to be electrified by the Crims. I don't want to be left flat like I was in Cleveland. TCOL can bring me to tears. I want to feel that way again. I want to spend time with the NJ folks, the NY folks, Tom, Kev, Nancy, Mark, Alex, Terry, Jonathan and the rest. And Shim.

Will I ever be able to sit cross legged without excruciating pain? I so much want to be like all the other kids. It's amazing how I think stupid things like this will make me "fit in." If I can sit on the floor like all of the other people in Guitar Craft, then maybe I will fit in. If I can play "Asturias" then maybe I will fit in. I have NEVER in my life, even in my best condition, been able to sit on the floor cross legged. How stupid! When will I ever realize that the only way for me to fit in is to be 100% me, whatever that is. "Me" cannot sit on the floor. "Me" is overweight and out of shape right now. "Me" suffers from depression. The really dumb thing is, when have I ever felt like I DIDN'T fit in when with Crafty folk? Getting over my childhood would seem to be a valid aim.

It looks like baby Balthasar is suffering from ABO incompatibility after his birth causing his bilirubin to be elevated. He has been admitted to the hospital pending exchange transfusion. While this is always a dangerous procedure, it looks like he may not need it. This malady responds well to treatment with UV light. So hopefully he will be well and go home soon. I wish him and his parents the best. While I am saddened to see this family go through any kind of medical problem, I am relieved that it is something treatable and easily diagnosed.

Missing the Crims tonight in Buffalo, just couldn't see driving 2 hours and getting back at 1:30 or 2am when I'm teaching tomorrow. Plenty of Crimming to be had next week with some of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

Abortive attempt to minimize the appearance of the scar on my neck results in even worse skin irritation. Why oh why oh why do band-aid manufacturers insist on putting latex in their packaging? I bought a "scar reducing" kit which I know would probably work if it didn't make my skin itch so bad that it drove me to distraction.

Painful lack of guitar practice. Just too mentally wiped out to attempt it. That's an excuse. I don't know what's really stopping me. I am very, very tired but I am having trouble sleeping and trouble waking up. I think I am depressed. I think it has to do with the lack of sunlight. I think vacation will help. I think my upcoming visit with good friends will also help.

Note to self: others are not necessarily as enthusiastic about music as you are.

A text page from MJ later tells me that I am indeed no longer needed to help number CDs and I should come enjoy the show. ARGH. I want to work. I don't want to just go around attending KC shows for free for no reason. I enjoy the work. I will see what the deal is tonight, am I just a hanger on and maybe I should just go to Bill's tomorrow and forget the merch table. I am so confused. I thought I was working the merch table.

Trained Radiologists yesterday. THey loved the product. This generally is a bad portent which means that when we actually go live on the product, they will throw hissy fits, throwing equipment at me.

2am
All kinds of incidentals, talking with Adrian and Nick Beggs at length in a hotel bar about Zappa. The main point: I got to meet Victor McSurely tonight. I am so thrilled to meet this extraordinary person. My day is made. Wow!!! Wow!!! I think he was a little freaked out that a) I wanted to meet him and b) I knew about Bridge and thought he was beautiful. I'm sorry for the freak-outedness but wow. It's Victor! What an extraordinary experience.

What could be cooler than traveling 2500+ miles, spending time with fun clients and sharing music and knowledge with them? What could be cooler than meeting a favorite guy's family for the first time? What could be cooler than sitting and watching the lighting and sound guys work a show? What could be cooler than coming to a hotel bar after a rock show, and find sitting there various members of the bands? What could be cooler than buying these fine musicians a round of drinks and listening to them tell tales about how they learned to play? What could be cooler than sending many of my long-collected space goodies home to a 5 year old that loves spaceflight? What could be cooler than tickets and after show passes to any show on the tour? What could be cooler than attending a show with a guy that you really enjoy? What could be cooler than receving a box of CDs of Christmas music performed by your friends, and sharing them with people you love? What could be cooler than attending a concert with your guitar teacher, watching HIS guitar teacher perform? What could be cooler than sitting up late in a fancy hotel room, watching a Crafty Guitarist play League repertoire... fingerstyle... on your guitar?

I'm tired so I came home, coming down with a cold, I think. But man. What an AMAZING 3.5 weeks. Steve says that Robert says that it's better to leave the table with a little room left in your stomach. But man, I could hear "Thrush" about 100 more times before I felt like I had a handle on it. And one can never get enough of a Scotsman in a skirt with a big loud Stick.

It's too much of a pain in the ass trying to post from my work connection when I'm traveling, so I'm looking for a better way to do this diary. Suggestions are welcome.

Geballe at Level 1? Can't get my mind around that one. Wish they'd hurry up and notify us one way or the other about acceptance.

Picks have been sent out but I didn't get any. I need some picks, but I wonder now if I have gotten used to a thicker pick since I lost my NST pick. Steve uses an extremely thick pick out of the same material (Delrin) and I have been experimenting with handmade picks of varying thickness. I seem to do better above .80 mm. We'll see. Emailed Bernadini.

Got my strings, but I have just restrung so it will be a few days before I will change them out. Good practice this evening. Worked on the picking pattern for Hope now that Steve has helped me out with it. No lesson this weekend as planned since he is rehearsing on Sunday and we are not kidding ourselves about how long a lesson really takes us... so we decided to postpone. I think if we lived in the same city, guitar lessons would be a very time consuming proposition indeed. We just have too much information to share. I love making new friends like this.

I forgot about the totally cool NYC pub crawl with two authentic Philly hockey players and one oustanding Crafty bassist. How cool is THAT?

Already missing Bill on several very distinct levels.

2+ hours of practice interrupted twice, first by a walk around the neighborhood to look at the luminaries (pretty!) and then by a phone call from Steve J thanking me again for our Crimmy outing. I like talking to Steve, he is such a real person.

Worked on the picking pattern for Hope, some improvement there. Worked on scales, a little improvement, but not much. Much left hand soreness. I need stamina, which I don't have. It doesn't take long for my hands to get terribly sore. Also I think I have some sort of limited mobility in my wrist.

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. I have to go to the doctor, too, and I have to tell her that I refuse to take the anticonvulsants she has prescribed for me. I wonder how this will sit. I know that unmedicated, my brain does not work properly. I know this. But I also know that I worked very hard to get to the point I am at and I do not want to go back. I'd rather be an annoying, impulsive, moody person who has all of their feelings available to them than a sedate, stable person with blunted emotions.

Hmmm. Yesterday's entry appears to be missing.

15:31
I do not like this season. I do not subscribe to the beliefs that lead to this holiday. I do not like the gift exchanging practices (the feeling of obligation- I'd rather give you a present when I feel like it, not when society dictates that I should). I do not like the crowds. I do not like the rushing. I am overwhelmingly sad. Why do we have such a stressful season precisely when the days are the darkest? What is the point? Doctor wants me to purchase a light box. I think I will go shopping for one.

15:38
Or maybe not... they're over $250. Sigh.

22:24
I am afraid. I cried today for people I do not know. I want to protect these people. What can I do for them? It is so frightening. Why do I feel so close to these people whose diaries I read like pages of a fascinating novel? They are very real to me, but only blocks of their lives. They are friends of dear friends. It seems like we should be able to do something for them. Yet, they don't even know that I am alive. And I don't know what we could do. They are like long lost family, waiting to be discovered. And I want them to be safe. And for the life of me, I don't know how to make that happen. I'm only a weenie wannabe out here on the east coast but somebody please tell me that those guys are gonna be ok. And tell them that I'm thinking about them. What can we do?

I am so worried about these unknown brothers (teachers?) of mine in Argentina and I am sending them my best positive energy. Still feeling lost. I feel strangely connected to these people but I do not know how real that is. I do know when I met Victor I felt like I had met someone of sublime peace, like Tony or Tom. So maybe it is real. Reality is such a tenuous thing for me, especially right now.

I do not like this new medicine. My mind is confused. I am having difficulty organizing my thoughts. This makes it extraordinarily difficult to practice. While this is not too much different than my pre-medicated state, it is much WORSE than my pre-medicated state. I cannot remember from one moment to the next what went on the previous moment. I am easily distracted. So in other words, I typed the word "state" and then there was a 20 minute lapse while I went and did something else. This is not good. I am hoping Guitar Craft will help me with this but also I must recognize that at a certain level this is an abnormal condition in my brain. I am unable to perform simple tasks as I cannot sequence them sufficently to bring them to completion. I tried to explain something to a client today and I don't think I made any sense. Help.

It is also my e-child Stan's birthday. Happy Birthday, Elizabeth. I am very proud of you.

00:13
My Nephew and his Wife have arrived for the holidays. I still have not purchased gift one except for the six CGT albums given to my clients in Erie, who loved them. I feel like a loser (sorry Curt). Speaking of Curt, wrote a long gushing thank you note to him, erased it. There is just too much to say. Thanks, Curt, for everything.

Several extraordinarily silly email exchanges with Paul today reveal some ideas for a t-shirt, possibly for the street team. A prototype photo done quickly has been sent off, along with something to make him giggle. We'll see what he says. If those guys ever quit taking me seriously...

The fluids in my bbbrain need mopping
Fa la la la la, la la la la
I have just been Christmas shopping
Fa la la la la, la la la la
People push, don't say "excuse me"
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Blow their heads off with my Uzi
Fa la la la la, la la la la!

My new medicine has two interesting side effects:
1. It makes me acutely suicidal
2. It makes any part of my body that has focused pressure (like my fingertips) tingle.

Guess which medicine I won't be taking any more.

I fail to see the point in Christmas shopping, really. Here, let me buy you something because I know you have purchased items for me that I may or may not want or need. I am really trying to save $1080 plus airfare for myself in case something wonderful happens in my life but if I do not buy something for you, I will feel bad when you present me with something.

Today I accidentally arranged O Holy Night for NST all by myself. How in the hell did THAT happen? If I can get the changes down, it actually sounds good. I should probably get it tabbed out so I don't forget it between this year and next. I can even sing and play at the same time. Hopefully I can get it together before Christmas day and perform it for my family, and also for Steve on the 30th.

Finished recriprocal gift shopping. Purchased a set of CDs featuring friends of mine for my Nephew, the Creed fanatic. Let's see how the Crims (TCOL) strike him. Also included "A Blessing of Tears", "Pathways", "Liquid Tension Experiment", "Here", and "RF&LGC Live!". Abuse Abuse. As a joke, included a Britney Spears DVD in case the Crims don't strike his fancy.

Still, a day of good cheer for the most part, Mark didn't fall ill until this afternoon. Presents were presented, food was fed, my music was played to my Nephew and Niece (haltingly, but honorably). They do understand this is a) my first arrangment and b) I only started playing in April. I love playing standing. They loved the music. My Niece is particularly fascinated with the guitar and I tried to sell her husband my baby Taylor (to no avail).

Laugh of the day: reciprocal DVD copies of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" exchanged between Mark and I. Also got various things that smell nice. A book about music and healing (that recommends lots of Eno and some Fripp). A book about being happy. Jewelry.

The most memorable gift: my childhood, presented on a 2 hour VHS video. From the first frames of the Woody Woodpecker black and white (a free short that came with the 8mm projector when Dad bought it) that preceeded all of my childhood home movie experiences, tears flowed freely. Wonder. Disintigrated film, bad color, lousy cinematography. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. Maybe I wasn't such a weird little kid after all. Mom and Dad hit the home run of the century. My parents love me.

Clearly the joke of the day was Ms. B. Spears, two of whose DVDs were given to my Nephew as a joke. Since money was spent, I guess the joke's on us.

In other news: my parents are apparently driving out here today to see me. They have been visiting the cousins.

23:20
Nice evening out with the parental units. I even ate some, not a whole lot, and it didn't stay ate long, but I'm better than I was. Mom and Dad desperately wanted to hear me play and to understand what this Guitar Craft thing is all about, so I played. A lot. I played mostly my exercises, which are pretty for about 15 seconds. Then I played some of SteveJ's stuff from his CD. They loved it. Then I played some LCG stuff from their CDs: Asturias (I played along with the bass line), Eye of the Needle, a couple of different Circulations, Wabash Cannonball. Then Dad (who is very nearly completely deaf) comes out with this gem:

"I get it! You keep playing those exercises long enough and they'll turn into music like this!"

Dad does get it, indeed.

Happy New Year. I'm glad it's over. Can't wait until next year. Chances are, if you are reading this, I met you this year. Thanks for joining me. I hope we have a good time together in 2002.

Oh yeah. I GOT INTO LEVEL 1!!!! yayyy!!!